Earlier today I’ve been looking at my old photo albums from about 7-8 years ago. Then I was in my twenties and just started working in a summer resort called Sunnybeach. I remember the very first time I went out with the other girls from work. We went into the club and immediately at least 10 men looked at us. We were all young and beautiful, dressed up, hair done, make up, high heels and sexy clothing. This is how I looked as well, this is how I wanted to look, the way I wanted to be, the impression I wanted to leave, the confidence I wanted to show. And this very first night out I realized that actually is not that difficult to get men’s attention. It was in fact so easy, I just needed to look at the guy I liked and innocently smile and usually 2 minutes later he was already getting me a drink and asking me about my name. It was so easy to feel important, to feel someone who men like, to feel worth, to feel beautiful, to feel unique, to feel powerful over men, to gain control and just have every guy I want to like me. This is who I wanted to be, the way I wanted to be. And I was very good at that. Anytime I felt lonely or didn’t want to go home to my room alone I could just go out and find someone nice to feel like who I wanted to be. Not that I slept will all these guys I met, but I knew I could do it if I wanted to do so. So I had control and power over them. All I needed was my looks and a smile. So simple. With some of them I just played like an actress, flirting and teasing, dancing and smiling, having a good time and then just leaving without saying a word. It was my game, my decision, my call to say if I have sex with them or no. And most of the times I didn’t sleep with them at the end. I was in control, I decided what to do. And they were in my power. With some of them I did it but the whole thing was just a passionate illusion for the night. Now I am thinking about this time of my life. Is this something to be ashamed of, a bad part of my biography? And most importantly why did I do these things, why was I this way? About 2 years ago I shared my secret about the childhood sexual abuse with another person for the very first time. I...

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It was 1990 when Scorpions released their song “Wind of Change.” So it must have been 1990 or 1991 when my neighbor started to abuse me. It means I was 7 or 8 years old. So when you’ve been abused in your childhood and you grow up, one day you finally admit the abuse to yourself and then you try to overcome the pain, to heal and to keep yourself together, to fight for your dreams and to become empowered. You try to find purpose in your life and to be strong, to be a survivor, not a victim. And then it’s weird how certain smells, views, objects, odors, sounds or songs just trigger the memories and you are again in that trap. And the day is lost, and you are lost again. And you think that you were so wrong believing that you’re stronger than your past. Everything comes back to your mind and you find yourself being the same child again. What do you do in that moment? You try to silence the pain and the shame and all these bad emotions any way you can – you might get drunk, you might smoke the whole packet of cigarettes in an hour, you might get high just to escape in some other reality, just to forget. Or you can go out to find an one-night stand, you might cry not able to stop, you might just lose all your confidence and self-respect just like that. In a minute, in that minute when you remembered what happened, when you remember him. And if you are lucky you might call a friend or someone really special and close to you, and you can find comfort and peace. But in most cases you would probably just wish to be left alone, and not willing to speak or share your feelings right in that moment, even if there are people you can trust and speak to. “Wind of Change”… He used to play that song every time when he abused me in his room. He had this old CD-player which I guess was a big deal in these times of young democracy in Bulgaria. And so he played his favorite song always. I am sure he never knew what they sing about because he didn’t speak any English, but somehow he liked it. And played it over and over again. I am sure he didn’t understand why he does these things to me, and he didn’t understand that this is wrong, but still he abused me over and over again. Like he played that song over and over again, even when he didn’t understand it. Today I heard “Wind of Change,”...

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Well, nothing new if I say that one of the aftermaths of child sexual abuse is the constant lack of trust and difficulty to open up to others. It’s a long battle with yourself how to learn to let people close to you, how to be honest and how to share. Yes, you are a grown up, but the abused child still lives inside you. And this child still remembers. The trust issue persists because that child’s been betrayed by those, whom it believed and trusted and they were the ones who hurt that child the most. Abusers are usually people who the children know and trust. Once betrayed this way in an early age, the abused person learns a lesson: “Don’t trust, don’t open up because nothing good comes from it. Protect yourself by not letting others close. ” And this belief stays in the adult’s mind. You may be 30 or 40 years old but deep within you are that child, and you don’t feel that self-worth that others feel. And you don’t feel so confident when you depend on someone, or when you open up to someone. You always have this little voice telling you: “Be careful you might get hurt. ” How can we change that? How can we learn to trust? By trusting. Yes, trusting and letting someone get close to our psyche can bring us disappointment. This happens also to people who have never been abused. And compared to the childhood trauma of betrayal we have once experienced, nothing seems to be so difficult to manage. Weird but what happened to us, as abused kids, can really make us in a way stronger than other people. Some issues and problems that others classify as a big dramas, to us are just much easier to get over with. Because we’ve already been through much more, and more difficult times. And we survived. And we are still here. And we function. So trusting others is not such a great challenge when you think about it. You just have to try. You just have to give it a chance. Meeting another disappointment may be unpleasant, but not risking and staying hidden in your shell won’t bring you happiness either. If you don’t risk, you cannot lose anything, but you cannot win too. And by risking to come out of your shell, you may win a lot. You may find great friends, you may find love, you may find understanding and companionship, unknown to you till this moment. You may find what was missing in your life. A shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a smile to brighten your day, eyes to see your future...

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The one you love: When you love him, you want to give him the world. You want to share the world with him. He IS your world. You want to be his world. You love him and you wish that he loves you back. You see his eyes in your mind when you wake up and you imagine his smile when you close your eyes and go to sleep, and you wish he does the same for you. You are willing to be his friend, his lover and his everything and for you he is just enough. You don’t need anything and anyone else to be happy. And you wish he needs nothing else but you too. He is the one you choose to love, he is the one you dream of, he is your love. And in life you can meet just one person who shows you why it never worked out with anyone else before. He is the One you love. It’s just as simple and it’s so beautiful. The one you hate: When you hate him, he abducts your world. You don’t want to share your world with him, he even doesn’t deserve to be in your world, but he is there, pretty much breathing the same air like you. You hate him and you wish he never happened to you. You didn’t choose him. You didn’t choose what he did to you. And you didn’t choose him to be that dark part of your past. You though see his eyes sometimes in your dreams and his twisted smile when he comes back to your thoughts. He is still there, and you know he will be never really gone. He is a part of you that you wish never existed. The thought about him is just enough to make you sad, angry and weak. The image of him is just enough to make you cry. The thought about how he stole the “possible you” is just unbearable. He is the person who abused you. And you hate him. He’ll be never really gone from your heart, and the pain will always be there no matter what you do. And in life you can meet just one person who can really break your heart this way, and forever. He is the One you hate. It’s just as simple and it’s horrible. Can we really choose between them two? Love or Hate? Can we just replace hating one, with loving another? Can we just fight and win over the one who broke us, just by having someone who makes us happy and loved? Can we just fill our hearts with love over the hate? Yes, we can. The...

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“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung Studying for my upcoming History of Psychology exam I discovered this thought of Carl Jung, the father of Analytical Psychology. Though this quote made me think more about the Humanistic view, Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers self-actualization theories, and this is how I apply this view to ”our“ issue –surviving child sexual abuse:   Yes, it happened to me. But does it need to determine my life, myself and my future? Humanistic theory in Psychology says that we all are who and what we choose to become, that we are capable of amazing things once we discover our full potential. This is the iceberg of a person’s life – the so called self-actualization, “the greatest motivating force in personality” like Carl Rogers calls it. Self-actualization is the highest level of psychological health. A psychologically healthy and fully functioning person is the one who is capable to open to all experience, the one who has a tendency to live fully in every moment, the one who has the ability to be guided by his instincts rather than by reason or the opinions of others, the one who has a sense of freedom of thought and action… So let’s face it-we didn’t choose to be abused, we can fight this and we can become who we want to be, we can live a great and exciting life, we can influence others and help them recover too, and all this only if we look deep inside in ourselves and find that motivation To Be! The humanistic view suggests that we are capable of amazing things when we realize our full potential, that we are capable of self-actualization when we choose our paths and face the life challenges trying to make the best of them, and grow from every set back. The self-actualization is the greatest goal of every person and every person builds his own “destiny.” Only then we can become fully-functioning individuals, capable of helping others too, and doing amazing things in our life. Dalai Lama says: “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” Mahatma Gandhi says: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Charles De Gaulle says: “Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be so.” William James says: “The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” John Thomas Salley says: “Tough times never last but tough...

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