I Tell Myself I’ll be Okay
As I write this, I weep. The remembrance of all the unwanted, yet strangely wanted, the molestations rush back into my thoughts. I was too young to understand at the time what was going on and why he masturbated in front of me when my mom was gone on the weekends. I was in a position that I could not turn to anyone for support. My sick and twisted stepfather said, “People will tell you this is wrong later on in life, don’t believe them.” He knew the lies would haunt me years later.
All the abused started around the age of 7. Not exactly sure of the first time but it didn’t stop until I was 16. I hated myself for not stopping it sooner. Once he even got me to give him a hand job on the highway while he drove. I resent him for that, but mostly myself for agreeing to it. I felt so confined within myself and as if my tongue was cut off from speaking out.
This is actually the first time I confess online. Since 2011 my mom has known yet continues to associate with my perpetrator even though they are divorced. I can’t help but feel empty inside. I live in the Orlando area, if anyone knows of a good therapist or wants to offer free advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. My inner child needs healing and I am tried of living in silence.
Laura, Orlando, FL