The “Trust Problem”

The “Trust Problem”

Well, nothing new if I say that one of the aftermaths of child sexual abuse is the constant lack of trust and difficulty to open up to others. It’s a long battle with yourself how to learn to let people close to you, how to be honest and how to share. Yes, you are a grown up, but the abused child still lives inside you. And this child still remembers. The trust issue persists because that child’s been betrayed by those, whom it believed and trusted and they were the ones who hurt that child the most. Abusers are usually people who the children know and trust. Once betrayed this way in an early age, the abused person learns a lesson: “Don’t trust, don’t open up because nothing good comes from it. Protect yourself by not letting others close. ” And this belief stays in the adult’s mind. You may be 30 or 40 years old but deep within you are that child, and you don’t feel that self-worth that others feel. And you don’t feel so confident when you depend on someone, or when you open up to someone. You always have this little voice telling you: “Be careful you might get hurt. ” How can we change that? How can we learn to trust? By trusting. Yes, trusting and letting someone get close to our psyche can bring us disappointment. This happens also to people who have never been abused. And compared to the childhood trauma of betrayal we have once experienced, nothing seems to be so difficult to manage. Weird but what happened to us, as abused kids, can really make us in a way stronger than other people. Some issues and problems that others classify as a big dramas, to us are just much easier to get over with. Because we’ve already been through much more, and more difficult times. And we survived. And we are still here. And we function. So trusting others is not such a great challenge when you think about it. You just have to try. You just have to give it a chance. Meeting another disappointment may be unpleasant, but not risking and staying hidden in your shell won’t bring you happiness either. If you don’t risk, you cannot lose anything, but you cannot win too. And by risking to come out of your shell, you may win a lot. You may find great friends, you may find love, you may find understanding and companionship, unknown to you till this moment. You may find what was missing in your life. A shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a smile to brighten your day, eyes to see your future...

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Choose Love Over Hate. It’s Just as Simple.

Choose Love Over Hate. It’s Just as Simple.

The one you love: When you love him, you want to give him the world. You want to share the world with him. He IS your world. You want to be his world. You love him and you wish that he loves you back. You see his eyes in your mind when you wake up and you imagine his smile when you close your eyes and go to sleep, and you wish he does the same for you. You are willing to be his friend, his lover and his everything and for you he is just enough. You don’t need anything and anyone else to be happy. And you wish he needs nothing else but you too. He is the one you choose to love, he is the one you dream of, he is your love. And in life you can meet just one person who shows you why it never worked out with anyone else before. He is the One you love. It’s just as simple and it’s so beautiful. The one you hate: When you hate him, he abducts your world. You don’t want to share your world with him, he even doesn’t deserve to be in your world, but he is there, pretty much breathing the same air like you. You hate him and you wish he never happened to you. You didn’t choose him. You didn’t choose what he did to you. And you didn’t choose him to be that dark part of your past. You though see his eyes sometimes in your dreams and his twisted smile when he comes back to your thoughts. He is still there, and you know he will be never really gone. He is a part of you that you wish never existed. The thought about him is just enough to make you sad, angry and weak. The image of him is just enough to make you cry. The thought about how he stole the “possible you” is just unbearable. He is the person who abused you. And you hate him. He’ll be never really gone from your heart, and the pain will always be there no matter what you do. And in life you can meet just one person who can really break your heart this way, and forever. He is the One you hate. It’s just as simple and it’s horrible. Can we really choose between them two? Love or Hate? Can we just replace hating one, with loving another? Can we just fight and win over the one who broke us, just by having someone who makes us happy and loved? Can we just fill our hearts with love over the hate? Yes, we can. The...

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It’s Not Easy to Love a Sexual Abuse Survivor

It’s Not Easy to Love a Sexual Abuse Survivor

The sexual abuse survivor. He is never there for you because he does not know how to be close, how to trust, how to belong, how to love and receive love. He knows no real closeness. He is afraid to expose himself to new strong emotions. All this is frightening to him. He has enough to deal with, and why should he risk to get another disappointment? How does he know you will always be by his side and never betray him? And he is so afraid to risk for love because he has been betrayed way too many times in life. He thinks you don’t understand him sometimes because he cannot understand himself most of the time. It is difficult to live with such a burden on your shoulders. The life of a sexual abuse Survivor is a never-ending struggle, never-ending fight to prove to others, never ending circle of pain and disappointment, and dealing with it is not easy. The sexual abuse Survivor doesn’t understand himself sometimes and cannot find the words to describe all the emotions and feelings he is going through. He wishes he doesn’t feel this way and he wishes just to wake up one day and forget everything, and start over his life. Impossible, right? With all this on your mind, it is not easy to believe someone else understands you really. He seems to be so distant from you sometimes, and even like he is not present. Why is that? The self defense mechanisms work like this-not thinking about the problem, or not talking at all and not getting attached to anyone saves you from pain and disappointment again. This is of course not a real solution of the issue, but a victim of abuse rarely realizes it and keeps it going on for years. He doesn’t really believe you love him for who he is because he doesn’t really love himself and cannot accept the person he had become. The image of who he could have become if the abuse never happened to him is always on his mind. He wants to be that imaginary person without a painful past, he wants to turn the time back and do something to prevent the abuse, to rescue his own life now knowing what followed the abuse, knowing what kind of a life he is living and what kind of a person he is. Admitting or not, he blames himself for what happened to him and even though he knows it is not his fault he does not really believes he deserves to be loved or that he is going to be ever really happy. This is all the aftermath of the abuse. Only...

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Reclaiming My Life – Tara’s Story

Reclaiming My Life – Tara’s Story

Well I’m now 25 years old and last April I started a blog in which I chose to speak out about my abuse. I am a survivor of childhood molestation by my stepfather and my uncle. Before I had spoken out I was silent for over ten years. The reason I didn’t speak out when it first happened was for two reasons. The first is because when I told my mom that my uncle molested me she didn’t want to believe it since it was her brother. It went on for a few weeks. He would touch me in places he should not be touching and then he would kiss my lips. I didn’t know what was going on. I was never taught good touch bad touch. I thought it was ok for an uncle to treat you like that. I’m not sure when this happened but it was around the age of 9 or 10. I say that was the first person who abused me but it was actually the same time my stepfather started molesting me. It started one day when I was sick in bed and I needed some Vicks vapor rub to be rubbed on my chest and back. Since my mom trusted him she allowed him to rub it on me. He started to rub it on my chest and when he did that, he began to rub my nipples. I felt really uncomfortable but again I didn’t know that it was an inappropriate touch. After that I’m not sure what else happened. I only remember a few things that happened. The next abuse I remember was again when I was sick. My mom had gone to Florida to visit my sister. She left my brother and me home since we were in school. I had gotten sick and stayed home from school. I was in my parent’s room which was also the living room at the time. I was on the couch resting and trying to watch the television. He began to kiss me on my neck and then made his way up to my lips. Again I didn’t know how to react to that but my body deceived me at that moment. My body liked that attention even though I felt disgusted and scared. I didn’t know what would happen next. Then he would bribe me with money and sweets since I was still young. Again I’m not sure when it happened but it was around the age of 10 or so maybe younger. Anyway I believe it was that same that this next thing happened. I had gotten up to go to my room and he followed me. The next thing...

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Abuse Is Not Love

Hi. My name is not important but my story is to educate others. I’m sure there are a lot out people out there that are blinded by love like I was. I met a man eight years ago and fell in love and he was great. He liked his alcohol a lot and that was not so great but I learned to live with it. I also have a son who is thirteen now but was five then. My man adored me and would tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was and totally loved me. Whatever I wanted he made sure I had. It was almost pretty much every night he would be drinking and I would get real nervous because I never knew how he would be. He could be so drunk and want sex and I would just let him because I didn’t want to fight. I have had to fight him before or just try to avoid him and pray he would pass out. One night, about four years ago, he got really drunk and he wasn’t himself and he forced himself on me and tried to choke me because I was fighting him. He said I wasn’t going anywhere he also told me he would kill me. I was so scared. He sodomized me and ripped my underpants. I was the most afraid I had ever been.  The next day his sister and son called the cops when they found out. He did about a year, maybe less. He cried and said “I will never do it again, I love you, I’m sorry. You are my baby girl and I will get help” so I believed him and I loved him.  When he got out, he got help and four years probation.  It was great. We were doing really good.  When his probation was over, his drinking started again. One day, I was at work and his mother came to see me. I didn’t know what to think, I was like what now? She had my son with her and they said they had something they had to tell me. My son said “he has been touching me”. My heart broke into a million pieces and anger brewed. I went to the Sheriff – this had to stop.  He got ten years in prison and I got therapy and medication.  It just goes to show that they can tell you they love you a million times and shower you with all the gifts in the world but there are other ways to show love. What my son and I went through is not one of them. Read more survivor’s stories… Read our Commenting...

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