Wind of Change
It was 1990 when Scorpions released their song “Wind of Change.” So it must have been 1990 or 1991 when my neighbor started to abuse me. It means I was 7 or 8 years old.
So when you’ve been abused in your childhood and you grow up, one day you finally admit the abuse to yourself and then you try to overcome the pain, to heal and to keep yourself together, to fight for your dreams and to become empowered. You try to find purpose in your life and to be strong, to be a survivor, not a victim. And then it’s weird how certain smells, views, objects, odors, sounds or songs just trigger the memories and you are again in that trap. And the day is lost, and you are lost again. And you think that you were so wrong believing that you’re stronger than your past. Everything comes back to your mind and you find yourself being the same child again. What do you do in that moment? You try to silence the pain and the shame and all these bad emotions any way you can – you might get drunk, you might smoke the whole packet of cigarettes in an hour, you might get high just to escape in some other reality, just to forget. Or you can go out to find an one-night stand, you might cry not able to stop, you might just lose all your confidence and self-respect just like that. In a minute, in that minute when you remembered what happened, when you remember him. And if you are lucky you might call a friend or someone really special and close to you, and you can find comfort and peace. But in most cases you would probably just wish to be left alone, and not willing to speak or share your feelings right in that moment, even if there are people you can trust and speak to.
“Wind of Change”… He used to play that song every time when he abused me in his room. He had this old CD-player which I guess was a big deal in these times of young democracy in Bulgaria. And so he played his favorite song always. I am sure he never knew what they sing about because he didn’t speak any English, but somehow he liked it. And played it over and over again. I am sure he didn’t understand why he does these things to me, and he didn’t understand that this is wrong, but still he abused me over and over again. Like he played that song over and over again, even when he didn’t understand it. Today I heard “Wind of Change,” and it somehow made my Christmas mood disappear. And I listened to the lyrics, really weird how the words can apply to what happened, seen through my eyes, heard through my ears, felt through my soul, and lived through my memories.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I would tell him if I had a chance. About his wind of change. And about my wind of change. And I guess I have a few words to tell you, abuser. I am 31 now, I study Psychology and still can’t get it, why did you do this? Are you sick, are you just born this way? Or are you a sociopath without conscience, without the ability to feel empathy, shame, remorse or respect for others? Or are you just a disturbed individual who is not able to care for anybody? Are you just a pedophile, a mentally ill person who actually doesn’t understand the difference between right and wrong, someone who just happened to like sex with children? Or are you just someone who wanted to experience sex for first time and found the easiest pray on the block, are you someone who after this never repeated it with another child or someone who abused others after and before me? What is it? I need answers.I need to know why.
But I don’t need to know why you choose me, because knowing what I’ve been through, I prefer it happened to me instead of happening to another child. Because I know how bad that is, and how messed up my life was because of it. I`m just thinking, if I could choose who to be your victim, I would still choose me instead of another child. Who knows how the other child would manage it? So many people get into drugs, kill themselves, or hurt others, become mentally ill or just never see a bright day at all, never heal and just suffer forever not able to find their voice, not able to set their truth free.
And I always believed that I handle the situation so well. Well, let me tell you, this is not completely the truth. I’ve had so many rough nights and so many unbearable days. I’ve had times when I didn’t want to wake up at all and times when I woke up and had a gin/tonic instead of a coffee. I had times when I went to the sea in the night and cried thinking that I am not brave enough to just get in and put this to an end. I had times when I slept with different men whose names I even don’t remember now, just to feel close to someone, just not to be alone in my own world for that night. I had times when I just hated myself so much, times when I took half of the pills in the house and hoping that I’ll just peacefully die. I had times when nothing really made sense, when nothing seemed logical, when I didn’t find reasons to keep myself up. I had times when I hated all men, even not knowing why. I had times when I felt so desperate and sad for no reason that I just cried in bed all night til I felt asleep, deep drowned in my sadness. I had times when I thought I’m going crazy. I had times when I thought I’ll never be happy and I’ll never be useful in this world, believing I can’t just make any difference, because I’m so deep drowned in my own twisted world. I had times when I felt dirty, when I felt guilty, when I felt ashamed. I had times when I felt I’ll never be loved, because I don’t deserve love and times when I thought that dreaming of love is going to be always just a dream, just because I’m not good enough to be loved and just because I’m not capable to love back.
Did you know that your wind of change really changed my life to a point it completely changed it’s direction. I could be someone proud, someone successful, someone loved, someone happy by now, someone really different if your wind of change didn’t happen to me. Well, I am not, because of your wind of change. It became my wind of change. It transformed me to someone who always pretends to be strong, but is same time so broken inside. It made me someone unhappy, someone insecure, someone incapable to be loved and to love back, someone who’s afraid of too many things, someone who really could be completely different, if you never happened to me, if your sick mind didn’t interfere with my life’s purpose, if you didn’t interfere with my childhood.
I just can’t forgive you that, abuser! I just can’t say I’m stronger than that what you did to me. And still I’d prefer to be your victim instead of some other kid. Because I don’t want to imagine that what happened to me could happen to someone else. And this too strong empathy, stronger that my ego, stronger towards others than to myself, well I have it thanks to you. Probably because I don’t have a big feeling of self-worth. Probably because I’ve suffered enough to be that way and trying to make my life worth while helping, helps me actually. And taking away the pain from everybody else,but myself may be just my way to make myself worth.Compassion,I learned it from you.Not that you were compassionate to me in any way, but the opposite. You never showed any empathy towards me. So this fact made me the way I am, made me feel others pain, made me cry watching the sad movies and made me live the sad story of the drama book character like my own. It made me feel for others who suffer and made me fight to help others. Am I strong? Am I worth? Am I over you? Still need so much time to get the answers from myself and from you I cannot get any answers anyways.
So let me “translate” you the words of that song you never got to understand. Knowing what you did to me, no wonder that I find another meaning in it instead of the falling of the Berlin wall which Scorpions meant when they wrote it.
“Did you ever think that we can be so close,”funny that we actually were so close,c onnected by the same secret for so many years. Well now I am free because I said it out loud, so this is not “our secret any more.” We are not connected and we don’t have a secret, because I am brave enough to be scared, I am brave enough to admit it happened. So no more secrets between you and me. ”Distant memories are buried in the past forever,” and they were but not any more. They came up to light to mess my life even more, but now I know this is the only way to healing, healing from abuse, healing from you. And “the children of tomorrow still share their dreams, children of tomorrow dream away with the wind of change.” Well, perhaps you can figure that one out, what it means to me. Guess what, the only thing I always really had were my dreams, and I’m sometimes afraid they will just stay dreams forever. But I won’t give up. What choice do I have? I have to fight you. I have to fight the memory of you and your wind of change. I have to be strong and I have to keep trying to become a better person, better than what you destined me to be. Better that what others expected me to be. Did you know, when I dropped out in 10th grade, my teacher said to my me that “you’re always going to be nobody, you’re never going to achieve anything.” Well,now I believe she wasn’t right, but back then I was so troubled, I never obeyed teachers or anybody, I was always absent and I skipped school every day so I can understand why she never had faith in me.
Did you know why? Because I was messed up from the beginning. I was messed up since the days you happened to me. I was messed up before I even knew it. So the first rejection from a boy I liked and the first bad grade made me feel unworthy and made my life meaningless. Guess who’s legacy was that? And it was going to be long years before I figured that out, why I did those things and why I was this way in school and later in life as well.
Did you ever think
That we could be so close…
The future’s in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Are buried in the past forever
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change
But let me tell you one more thing,abuser. I’ll never give up, no matter how hard it is. And the time will come when I’ll be finally stronger than you. When I’ll believe in myself more than you think, when you’ll understand that you can’t silence me forever.
And because in Bulgaria there is also a SOL(Statute of limitations, which protects abusers like you), and I am no longer able to seek justice and put you in jail where you belong, you walk happy and free, you have a family, a wife and kids. And you are a successful businessman. I guess you’re pretty happy how your life treated you. But still, you should know that there must be some justice in the universe.And you should know that whatever goes around comes around.You`ll meet your justice one day. It’s just the way it is. Sooner or later everybody gets what he deserves. And the day when the truth comes out will be my wind of change for you. Same time I’ll be here, and more empowered than ever, more confident than ever, stronger and happier than ever. How do I know that? I just know it. Because winds change, and winds eventually go away.